Nice
Guys Don't Have to Finish Last
"Women say they want a nice guy," one of my clients recently moaned. "so why do I always hear, 'You're a nice guy but I just want to be friends' or 'You're a nice guy but you're not my type.' Then they go out with jerks who mistreat them. Why can't I, a truly decent man, find a girlfriend?"
I'll tell you why! Because being "nice" isn't enough. Being a decent, honest, respectful man is always a good thing but "nice" is often another way of saying "I'll be your doormat" or "I have no real personality, interests or opinions, so you can mold me into whatever you want." Nice guys often lack confidence, or worse, self-respect, which is the kiss of death for romance. Many decent guys (and women) have no clue how to behave around the opposite sex. They are fearful, mistrustful, skittish, insecure, needy, angry, bitter, desperate, and always walking on eggshells.
I,
myself, dated and rejected many "nice" guys in my single years. I also dated
plenty of "bad boys." In the end, however, I married the world's nicest guy.
He is also fascinating, independent and self-confident. After our first date,
the word I used to describe him to my friends was "undismissible." He was
unique -- distinctly different from the other lightweights I had dated. He
had substance; he lived a full and interesting life; he was well-read and
knowledgeable about a wide variety of subjects. He was self-sufficient, but
happy to make room in his life for love. From the very beginning, he treated
me and my feelings with respect, but it was obvious to me by his attitude
that if I didn't reciprocate, he wouldn't stick around. He wasn't going to
play games or get into emotional power struggles; nor was he going to tolerate
that from me. He was his own person. If he was going to be with me, it was
because he wanted me, not because he needed me. What woman could resist such
a package?
"Nice" is often synonymous with "innocuous" which is faint praise, indeed. If that's the best you can say about yourself, perhaps it's time to take stock of your life. For somebody to love you, to have to give them enough reasons to love you. Forget about finding a relationship and focus on developing into the kind of human being to whom others are drawn.
When your goal becomes to better understand yourself and others; to live an interesting life to the fullest, pursuing the things that make you happy; to enjoy and respect other people even if you have no interest in pursuing a relationships with them; to make others feel good about themselves; to reduce your own emotional baggage to what fits under your seat; to balance vulnerability with self-respect; to cleanse yourself of anger and bitterness; to be worthy of the respect of others; only then will you attract people who love you and want to be with you.
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