You
Are What You Think, So Be Careful What You Think
When I advised attendees at one of my recent seminars to stop dating with explicit goal of snaring a mate, there was an uproar, particularly from the women.
"Why shouldn't I be allowed to go after what I want?" one woman asked. "It's not a crime to want to be married."
"No, it isn't," I said, "but when that's your agenda, you cannot help but be judgmental. The person sitting across from you is no longer a human being with hopes, dreams, goals and needs of his own. He is there merely to facilitate your own fantasy. No man likes to feel as if he's an actor in your play. When they pick up that vibe, most of them will run in the other direction."
The men in the group nodded strongly in approval. They'd all sat across from such women plenty of times.
"Yes, but those men don't know that's what I want," she countered. "I certainly don't discuss that with them on a first or even second or third date. I know it scares them off."
"Let me ask you a question. When you go out with a man, and his interest in you is purely sexual, with no desire for a meaningful relationship, don't you pick up on that almost instantly?"
"Of course," she said proudly, as if she had some special talent.
"You pick up on all kinds of unspoken signals, right?"
Now it was the women who nodded in agreement.
"Well then, what makes you think that men aren't picking up your signals? I'll bet every guy you go out with senses your agenda a mile away."
It's been proven that 93% of the information we telescope about ourselves is nonverbal. We send signals through body language and chemicals (pheromones); via eye contact and the subtle ways our pupils dilate; through the tone of our voice and the attention we pay (or don't.) And we reveal as much, and perhaps more, about ourselves by the questions we ask than by the answers we give. We tip our hand by how we respond -- with enthusiasm, silence, discomfort, annoyance.
Even the best actress/actor cannot hide very long from others how they feel or what they want. As Abe Lincoln said, "You can't fool all of the people all of the time." Your behavior, is a function of what you are thinking and feeling inside, both conscious ly and consciously. If you have a secret agenda, people will see it. If you are angry, bitter, insecure, nervous, desperate -- it will be apparent. If you are unrealistic, anticipating rejection or disappointment; if you lack self-esteem, if you're high maintenance -- all these traits will manifest themselves in ways which others can pick up on, even on a subconscious level. They might reject you and not even know why they are rejecting you.
Or, maybe worse, they might be attracted to you for the wrong reasons. For example, an abuser will instinctively choose someone with low self-esteem. A user will always manage to find someone who can't say "no." Alcoholics and drug-abusers sniff out enablers. Co-dependency may be a relationship, but it's not the kind of healthy relationship to strive for.
Therefore, before realizing a happy, well-balanced relationship, you must first become, from the inside out, a whole and happy person, capable of loving and being loved, of respecting and being respected.
And as for wanting to get married -- as a goal, it can be very dangerous. In the sometimes desperate search for Mr. or Ms. Right, we often overlook signs that we and this other emotional human being don't actually relate to each other in a healthy way. We crave the notion of being loved without actually knowing how to love; or even knowing what love is.
I urge all my workshop attendees and private clients to develop a well-formed idea of the relationship they want. I do not mean the physical, financial, professional, or any other superficial characteristics of their ideal mate; likewise, forget about the conditions of the relationship (ie, whether it will become a long-term commitment, marriage, etc.)
Visualize the way you and your ideal mate will relate to each other. (This is, after all, a relationship. Duh. ) Imagine how you want to feel when you're around that other person. Contemplate the depth of intimacy you will share. Wrap your brain around the way you will help and support each other. Think about how you will trust that person with your heart, and how they will trust you. Feel the respect you will have for them, and they for you. Know that you will not pass judgment on each other, nor feel insecure with each other.
Live that relationship in your head, and forget about marriage! After all, do you want to be married to someone about whom you don't feel all of the above? Focus on the emotional interaction between you. Soon you will find that you relate to people in an entirely different way. Those actions and behaviors over which you have no control, now come from a healthier and more emotionally-satisfying place, and believe me, people will recognize it and respond positively!
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