The
Lies That Bind
Why are some relationships more honest than others? Why are some couples utterly truthful with each other while others spin webs of deceit? Why are some people frequent victims of deception while others get looked right in the eye and told the truth?
While nobody deserves to be lied to or misled, one of the unshakeable tenets of my philosophy is that we are all responsible for everything that happens in our relationships; either by active participation or passive acceptance. Thus, if, as Jack Nicholson says, "you can't handle the truth," you are more likely to be lied to. When you are able to confront the facts of a situation and the reality of other people's emotions without judgment, anger, hysteria, recriminations, tears, collapse of self-esteem, guilt, blame, desire for revenge or taking it personally, others will be more inclined to tell you the truth.
Few people deliberately set out to hurt others. They lie and deceive not because they are cruel, but because they are cowards -- because they hate confrontation and will avoid it at all costs. Confrontation need not just be with others; possibly the issues they don't want to confront are their own. By telling the truth, they admit failure, weakness, flaws. Thus, if a partner suspects that full disclosure will lead to a "scene" or to closer inspection of their own faults, that revelation will likely be put off as long as possible. To avoid direct confrontation, they might leave "clues" in the hopes that the other person will figure it out her/himself. Or they might display behavior which will instigate a fight or breakup. Or perhaps they'll exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, casting the blame for their feelings on the other.
People generally tell us what we want to hear; and we absorb only that which we have the capacity to understand and process. If you live in denial, if you prefer to entertain a fantasy of what your relationship is about, you will rarely hear the truth and your relationships will be frauds. If you can face cold, hard reality, no matter how painful, and if you can experience it in a mature, meaningful way, you will be able to recognize it when you see it, and people will be more likely to share their truths with you. And if you have a great capacity for understanding, you will see truths which aren't even apparent to the person hiding them.
Not long ago, I met a woman who had been devastated by a recent breakup. She had been dating a man for nearly a year, and in her mind, it was a serious affair which she felt would lead to marriage, something she wanted very much. They had spoken of engagement, although no ring was forthcoming. Then, as if out of nowhere, her boyfriend ended their relationship. His only reason was that he did not love her, but gave no explanation for his apparent sudden lack of feelings.
"He just stopped loving me for no reason!" she cried again and again.
As gently as I could, I said, "But he did have a reason. He just didn't tell you what it was." In other words, he didn't feel comfortable sharing his feelings with her.
Not having been privy to his side of the story, I can only imagine the dynamics: She was very focused on marriage, children and settling down. She had decided he was the one. He fit her goals, and she played the game the way she thought it should be played. He, on the other hand, either was not ready for marriage or had decided that she was not the woman with whom he wanted to spend his life. She was probably making long-term plans, focused on the end game, and had tuned herself out to the signals he was inevitably sending. Maybe he'd told her he'd loved her -- perhaps in response to her asking -- and perhaps he meant it when he said it, but emotions are not set in stone. People fall out of love for many reasons. He might have felt pressure to fit her mold. Perhaps he felt as if he were an actor in her script; that his life goals were not being addressed. Maybe he'd tried to let her know in a variety of ways his own feelings on the subject but she didn't want to hear it, because they weren't in keeping with hers. I wonder how well she really knew this man.
A man who came to one of my seminars was still bitter that a woman he'd dated for several years, a woman he'd loved, had cheated on him. When he discovered the affair, she left him. He was now deeply mistrustful of all women. "I gave her everything," he said. "I worshipped her. How could she do that to me?" I can only guess: He adored her and wanted to "possess" her. He gave her everything he thought she wanted, but never took the time to find out what she really wanted. I'm sure she had affection for him, though probably not passion. He was undoubtedly good to her, and most women are loathe to leave a nice guy, hoping their feelings will grow. I'll bet she tried to let him know, in many ways, her dissatisfaction with the relationship. And I'll bet, too, he never actually heard her real issues but instead simply made an even greater effort, in his own grand but ineffective way, to please her, to win her, to bind him to her. (Maybe she longed for deeper intimacy and he took her to Paris.) When another man came along who listened to her heart, or offered her passion or simply a passive-aggressive way to end the relationship, she took it.
Nobody wants to feel as if they are a cog
in someone else's well-oiled machine. You must learn to listen to another's
soul with all your heart, not view them as a prize to be won. Allow others
to share their feelings without judgment, with support, insight and understanding.
If people are not afraid to tell you the truth, they will open up to you.
You must believe and behave in ways that demonstrate that you would rather
know an unhappy truth than hear a pretty lie.
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