Save Yourself Some Grief
Imagine the heartache we could save ourselves if we could somehow ascertain on the very first date, despite our potential lover's formidable charms, that ultimately, he or she is going to turn out to be one giant disappointment. Or all the joy we might find if we could somehow learn to see past surface unsuitability and find a diamond in the rough.
With practice and careful observation, anyone can learn to pick up clues that give you the ability to see past a person's public face -- the one they put on to impress someone new -- and gain insight into their true personality.Determining whether you're sexually attracted, or even whether you share the same values and long-range goals is fairly simple. Most of us learn to size up potential lovers in this way long before we've begun to date seriously. What's often difficult to determine, however, until it's too late, is a person's character. Even a first date offers dozens of opportunities for observing true character. How does this person treat the wait-staff? Does s/he treat even the lowly busboys with courtesy and respect? Or is s/he rude, dismissive and/or demanding? If the latter, think twice about seeing this person again. S/he is is insecure and needs to demean others in order to feel important. Although s/he may be treating you like royalty now, remember, s/he's trying to impress you. Once you start dating and his/her ego feels threatened, it's you who's going to be on the receiving end of that abusive behavior.What kind of a tipper are they? Do they leave a generous 20%? Or calculate a meager 10% to the penny? People who nickel-and-dime, tend to be petty and stingy with their time and emotions as well as their money. Such a person will almost always put his/her feelings before yours, doing what's best for him/herself without taking much time to consider what's best for you.Does he/she pressure you with tactics designed to make you feel guilty, foolish, insecure or cowardly, such as trying to persuade you to have just one more drink against your better judgment? Or convince you to invite him into your home at the end of the evening when you'd prefer to be alone? Or try to persuade you to go further sexually than makes you comfortable? Beware. This man is a manipulator who doesn't respect your boundaries or feelings. Do they monopolize the conversation, listing their achievements and talking about themselves, without asking about you and actually listening to the answers? Does this person try to belittle you or try to make you feel stupid or small? Does this person seem threatened if you happen to know something they don't know? How do they behave when they are uncomfortable, shy, nervous or vulnerable? Do they become challenging? Do they withdraw? These are issues which will eventually impact a long term relationship.
Does she order the most expensive thing on the menu, and never even offer to take out her wallet when the bill comes? Does she talk about how successful her past boyfriends were, dropping not-so-subtle hints about expensive gifts they may have bought her or vacations he took her on? Does she ask a lot of questions, the answers to which would reveal your financial status? (Your job, what kind of car you drive, where you live and whether you own your own home, etc.) This is a woman who's looking for a meal ticket, not an equal partner.Observe your date from afar, when they don't know you're watching. Does there seem to be a big difference in their demeanor, manner, body language, façade? While it's normal to relax somewhat when your (first) date heads off to the bathroom, run like the wind if you notice Jekyll and Hyde type changes. (For example, suddenly, she's screaming at the waiter or he's hitting on a woman at the next table.)
Listen to your date speak about others. Is there an underlying hostility or resentment for those who've achieved more? Is there anger or bitterness at his/her boss, family, ex-spouse or lover, colleagues or friends? Does s/he blame others for his/her failures (relationships, career advances, etc.)? Does s/he hold grudges? Does your date have more frown lines than smile lines?
While I don't necessarily recommend dumping someone just because he leaves a 10% tip or she never speaks to her mother, these are warning flags which should indicate emotional caution.
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