In Love with his Best Friend
Dear Adrienne:
Let's break down this seemingly huge dilemma into a series of smaller, more solvable problems. The appearance of Steve in your life has made it clear what you have probably been feeling all along: that your relationship with Jeff is not what you want for yourself, long term. If Steve were suddenly removed from the picture, the truth would still be clear to you. That is, there's something you want that you're not getting from Jeff.
Three years ago, "playing house" with Jeff might have seemed like a good alternative to living at home with the folks, but this relationship wasn't so much about choosing and building the relationship you wanted, as finding yourself a more pleasant living situation. To find true love, we have to be willing to fly without a net.
Steve may or may not be "the one." You don't really know him well enough to make that decision now. Your attraction to him may just be another "stepping stone" to what you think will be a better living arrangement. If you were to leave Jeff and move in with Steve, you might soon find yourself in the same situation as you do now. Yes, there may be chemistry, but there's more to happy, healthy, long term relationships than that.
I suggest you analyze your relationship with Jeff quite carefully, leaving Steve out of the equation. If this is really not what you want, end it. Move out. Find your own place. Get a roommate if you have to, but do not move back in with your parents! Live on your own. Date different men. Learn to be independent. You can maintain your friendship with Steve, but I would strongly suggest you keep it platonic, at least for a while.
When you move in with someone for the wrong reasons, you often invest great effort into making things work; you talk yourself into "love," just because it's easier than moving out and finding your own place. It may be convenient; it may be emotionally expedient; it may be making the best of a bad situation; it may even be co-dependent -- but this is "relationship by default" not true love.
If you are ever going to have the kind of relationship you desire, you must live on your own. Independence, self-awareness and self-understanding will help assure that you love and are loved for the right reasons.
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