Dear Adrienne,

I would very much love to be in a special relationship, but I'm really bad at dating. I'm generally shy and I just hate laying my heart out for men to trample all over. I've had a couple of long-term boyfriends, but most of my relationships have ended after a few months. All of these men have really disappointed and hurt me.

You said at one of your workshops that we have to take 100% responsibility for the failure of our relationships. I can accept that perhaps the reason for my miserable love life has been my bad judgment, but based on my experience, it's pretty obvious, that my judgment sucks. Guys who seem great to begin with always seem to deteriorate into jerks very quickly. How do you know when you meet someone if they're a "keeper" or if I'm in for another heartbreak?

 

Dear Jill:

William James said, "Do every day or two something for no other reason than you would rather not do it, so that when the hour of dire need draws nigh, it may find you not unnerved and untrained to stand the test."

This holds true for just about everything from exercising to dating to doing math in your head. Basically, "use it or lose it."If, after every bad experience, you crawl into your hole for months or years on end, you will never develop emotional muscle or a body of experience upon which to base your judgment.

Success in all things comes from learning from your mistakes. Sure, some people get lucky, but eventually we all have to put some effort into our lives, into our endeavors, and into our personal growth.The more you interact with people - not only romantically, but socially and professionally -- the better you become at reading the intentions beneath people's behavior. You get good at reading between the lines; at extrapolating the big picture from a small piece of the puzzle. There is no quick and easy answer to your problem. Only by continually putting yourself into the fray, and taking time to analyze not only the other person's behavior and feelings, but, more important, your own behavior and feelings in relation to them, will you be able to hone your skills.Nobody expects to be an Olympic class skier their first season on the slopes. Everyone understands that to be a Black Belt in the martial arts takes years of dedication, practice and taking your lumps. And as the old joke goes, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice, practice, practice!!" Excellence and achievement don't happen overnight.

I strongly urge you to exercise your emotional muscle. Toughen up a little bit. The world won't end if you get rejected. There is no great shame in unrequited love. You've got to learn to roll with the punches. No one can hurt you if you won't let them. If you are going to take rejection personally, at least do so in a constructive way. There's plenty to learn about life, about love, about human interaction, and about yourself, from every relationship -- even the failed ones. As I have long said, the worst kind of experience is none at all.

Good Judgment; Use It or Lose It <> You'd Better Believe It! <> Sick of Losers

So What DO Women Want? <> The Tangle Web of Unwanted Commitment

In Love With His Best Friend <> Debt Before Dishonor

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do <> Job, As In "Career" or "Snow?" <> Women As Fungible Goods

Women a Fungible Goods, Revisited <> Sex, Lies and Personal Ads <> It's a Fine E-Romance

Who Asks, Who Pays? <> Phone Sex Fantasy <> What You Do Is Who You Are

Am I Too Available? <> Busted Budget

Birthday Gift Dilemma <> Gracie Mixed Up Kid