Am I Too Available?
Dear Adrienne:
Here is my issue/question....I've been using match.com for a few months now & have emailed with bunches of people & actually met three of them. I believe I have a solid idea of what I'm looking for; which probably explains the small number of men I actually choose to meet.
I met a guy a few months ago and we really hit it off. We've gone on about 4 dates since then and he's brought me to hang out with one of his best friends a couple of times (his friend seems to really like me which I think is a plus.) I've never actually dated someone who I wasn't friends with first so this is all really new to me.
Now here are my issues, if you call it that....I think I'm really starting to like this guy. I really enjoy spending time with him. The idea that he may be dating or still looking for other girls on match.com is starting to drive me crazy! I'm not quite sure that I'm ready to be exclusive with him, yet I still feel a little jealous at the thought there may be other girls trying to date him as I am.
When we first met, we'd talk all day long online from work. Several people told me that was a mistake because I was making myself too available. I, however, really liked it because we got to learn sooo much about each other. At this point, we've cut back a bit. We still chat a bunch but not all day,/everday. We don't hang out every weekend -- it's more like every other (a lot of that has to do with the fact he sometimes has to work weekends)
I'm starting to worry that I haven't given him enough of the "chase" I'm told men like to have . Perhaps this could be a turn off. I've been getting annoyed with myself because I feel like I always seem available to talk and that I'm constantly showing my interest which I'm sure he clearly knows is there.
I'm wondering is it too late to be "less available" (to spark his curiousity and give him a bit of a chase) without it coming across as being uninterested??
I feel like a dating idiot. I'm not quite sure how to tell if he's really interested or not, most people who hear the story say he is but I'm soo neverous I just don't know!! I would like to see where things can go with him. Any advice at all would be soo appreciated!!
CD, NYC
Dear Too Available
Personally, I don't think it's EVER too late to make yourself slightly unavailable. In fact, I believe, until he specifically asks you to have an exclusive relationship, you should be dating other guys, if only to keep your mind off him and to have legitimate reason to be otherwise occupied when he asks you out.
That said, you should never actually TELL him you're dating other guys. You let the mere notion of it hang in the air. If he asks you out and you already have another date, you sweetly say, "OOhhhh! I'm so sorry! I have other plans already! Can we get together NEXT Tuesday?" (Pick a date at least several days in the future so you still don't seem so available.)
Do not change your behavior with him when you're together. Still be sweet and attentive; enjoy his company. The way you actually relate to him should be 100% authentic. In other words, when you're with him, treat him like a god; when you're not with him, it's "out of sight, out of mind." Or at least, don't sit around waiting for his calls and don't let yourself get dependent upon his attention/affection.
NEVER bring up the dreaded questions "Where is this relationship going?" (It's the kiss of death.) Until he tells you otherwise, assume "nowhere." Your attitude (not your words!) should convey: I really like you and enjoy your company but until I hear from you that you want this to go to the next level, I'm not making any assumptions about us, and thus, I continue to date others.
I don't think that men purposely set out to hurt women or play with their heads or take advantage of their vulnerablity, but men and woman absolutely date with different goals in mind. Women generally are hoping to find a serious, long term, committed relationship. Men, however, can date a woman (or several women simultaneously) for several months "just to try her out" "give her a test spin." They enjoy playing the field,
Three months to a man might mean nothing to him emotionally. A woman, on the other hand is already picking out the wedding dress! This is why there is so much disappointment, anger and mistrust between the sexes. Different goals, different expectations. Successful dating means you have to understand the needs/goal of the other person(ie "opposing team.") Until you have "that conversation" (and HE has to initiate it!), assume he is just trying you out to see if you fit. Thus, you should not be willing to commit too much emotion or time to him.
Right now, you SHOULD be playing the field. (Again, never actually tell him that. Your actions and lack of availablity and the inevitable slight emotional pull back will say it all.) If he likes you and thinks of you in a "serious" way, it'll start to bug him that maybe you're dating other guys. He'll have to start considering how he feels about you; and he'll have to ask himself if he's willing to risk losing you to someone else. He'll have to decide if he's ready to take that next step with you. REMEMBER: NEVER SAY ANY OF THIS!!! Just act in the way you would act if you believed it.
If this tack doesn't work -- in other words, if he loses interest -- you never had him to begin with and you might as well know that now, before you invest any more emotion in him. Hope this helps! Good luck!
More Relationship Advice:
Good Judgment; Use It or Lose It <> You'd Better Believe It! <> Sick of Losers
So What DO Women Want? <> The Tangle Web of Unwanted Commitment
In Love With His Best Friend <> Debt Before Dishonor
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do <> Job, As In "Career" or "Snow?" <> Women As Fungible Goods
Women a Fungible Goods, Revisited <> Sex, Lies and Personal Ads <> It's a Fine E-Romance
Who Asks, Who Pays? <> Phone Sex Fantasy <> What You Do Is Who You Are
Ask a Babe Columns <> Jewish Cafe Advice Column
