It's
a Fine E-Romance
originally appeared at www.jewishcafe.com
Dear Adrienne:
I met "Mark" via a personal ad about six weeks ago. We hit it off right away and pretty soon we were emailing each other several times a day. Then, we started IM'ing [instant messaging] and chatting some nights into the wee hours. Mark lives about 5 hours away so it wasn't so easy to get together, and besides, I was rather enjoying our on-line affair. But I have a few days vacation time due me, so I offered to drive to his place to meet him. Almost immediately, the nature of our conversations changed. He started to ask more intimate questions and tried to add sexual elements to our chats. I am not entirely comfortable with this, but I haven't said anything because I really like him. I'm starting to have second thoughts about meeting him. Am I being paranoid, overly sensitive or prudish? I don't know if this is normal because I've never had an on-line romance before. I don't want to over-react. I need your advice!
D.L., Baltimore, MD
Dear D.L.
My advice? Trust your instincts.
While I don't doubt that true love could develop from an email romance, more often than not, such affairs, when they drag on too long, are just emotional masturbation. You get to indulge your romantic fantasies without any bad habits to get on your nerves. There's nothing about their appearance or behavior to turn you off. If they lie or cheat, you'll never know. It's easy to imagine him (or her) as The Perfect Human Being. Rarely, if ever, will this fantasy even remotely resemble an actual person.
Now that you've decided to meet, reality is starting to rear its ugly head.
I'm concerned that you have offered to drive to his place. Have you lost your mind, woman? You don't even know this man! He can be a serial killer for all you know! Or married. Or courting five other women at the same time. Your willingness to drive five hours to the home of a strange man undoubtedly signals to him that you're desperate and/or easy. Whether or not this is true is besides the point. Your behavior suggests that you are gladly willing to be led by your fantasies, and he seems happy enough to take advantage of that.
A man who is truly interested in a serious, honest, emotionally mature, mutually respectful relationship would a) not lead the conversation in sexual directions until you knew each other better; b) would never expect a lady to make such a long drive, but would offer to make the trip, himself or at least meet on neutral ground; and c) would probably have wanted to meet you sooner.
I suspect, if you were ready for a serious etc. relationship, you would have wanted to meet him sooner, too. An email fling is nice and safe; it makes you feel good without any of the risks. Alas, true love requires risk. You have to be willing to fly without a net. (And no, that doesn't mean driving five hours to the home of a strange man!)
While I think it's a good idea to get to know someone a little before meeting (maybe two or three phone calls), too much lead time before a first date just encourages unfounded fantasies (sexual on his part, romantic on yours) which inevitably lead to disappointment.
More Relationship Advice:
Good Judgment; Use It or Lose It <> You'd Better Believe It! <> Sick of Losers
So What DO Women Want? <> The Tangle Web of Unwanted Commitment
In Love With His Best Friend <> Debt Before Dishonor
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do <> Job, As In "Career" or "Snow?" <> Women As Fungible Goods
Women a Fungible Goods, Revisited <> Sex, Lies and Personal Ads <> It's a Fine E-Romance
Who Asks, Who Pays? <> Phone Sex Fantasy <> What You Do Is Who You Are
Ask a Babe Columns <> Jewish Cafe Advice Column
