Dear Adrienne:

I've been seeing "Brad" for about six months. In the beginning, things were great. He called me often and we
saw each other all weekend, and usually a couple of nights during the week. In the last month or so, he seems
to be pulling away. Several times, he's had "other plans" on weekend nights, which didn't include me. Over
the summer, he went out to a friend's house in the Hamptons and didn't invite me along. When I ask him if
anything is wrong, he tells me everything is fine, and changes the subject. I miss the closeness we had in the
early stages of our relationship and want to know what I can do to recapture them. I feel as if all my efforts of
late have been in vain.

Dear Sharon:

I suspect you and Brad have reached a point in your relationship where your expectations have diverged. You want to forge ahead with a long-term relationship, perhaps with marriage as your goal. Brad clearly doesn't share this vision of your relationship. He may have emotionally valid reasons for believing you are not the one for him, or, he might be afraid of the intensity of his own feelings for you and is backing off out of fear.

Since he won't let you in on his feelings, you are going to have to do what's best for you. I'll tell you what is NOT best for you: hanging around, trying to convince Brad you are worth his love and attention. The more you try to "capture his heart," the more you will push him away, either because it will only scare him more or because he will feel guilty for taking without giving back, and falsely leading you on.

Whichever his reason, you must pull back from him emotionally.

I am a big advocate of behaving in a way that comes from what you should be feeling. Eventually, your feelings will catch up, and you will develop a core of unshakable beliefs.

In this case, your position should be "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me as much as I want him. I do not want to be with someone who cannot share his feelings. I do not want to walk on eggshells. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel insecure. I do not want to do all the work in a relationship. I do not want to jump through hoops to convince someone to love me."

Assuming you had these as your core beliefs, how would your behavior be different? I suspect you wouldn't be waiting around for him or giving him as much emotional attention as you are. In fact, you would probably lose interest in him very quickly.

Right now, your core belief is telling you, on some level, he is somehow superior to you. You want to win him not for who he is (an uncommunicative coward) but for what he represents (the chance at a serious relationship with someone you decided fits your basic criteria.) If, at your core, you had an unshakable sense of self-worth, you would quickly realize that such a man is really beneath you.

Those who come to my workshops often hear me speak about focusing on the quality of the relationship. This, and this alone should be your sole criteria for dating or continuing to date someone. Do they make you feel treasured? Do you treasure them? Do you celebrate each others' successes and support each other in pain and disappointment? Are you always confident with and about each other? Can you trust each other with your hearts, and with your very lives? Is there deep mutual respect? Are you oases in each others' lives?

When you are willing to settle for nothing less, your choices become obvious.

 

Good Judgment; Use It or Lose It <> You'd Better Believe It! <> Sick of Losers

So What DO Women Want? <> The Tangle Web of Unwanted Commitment

In Love With His Best Friend <> Debt Before Dishonor

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do <> Job, As In "Career" or "Snow?" <> Women As Fungible Goods

Women a Fungible Goods, Revisited <> Sex, Lies and Personal Ads <> It's a Fine E-Romance

Who Asks, Who Pays? <> Phone Sex Fantasy <> What You Do Is Who You Are

Am I Too Available? <> Busted Budget

Birthday Gift Dilemma <> Gracie Mixed Up Kid