The
Tangled Web of Unwanted Commitment
Dear Adrienne:
How do you
get out of commitment, yet still date a girl? I've been dating "Denise"
for the past few months. I enjoy her company very much and would like to continue
to do so, but I seem to have fallen into the role of "boyfriend." I
really don't want that level of commitment. I'd like to date other women and
have my freedom, however, I would still like to continue to see Denise. What
can I say to her; what kind of reasoning can I use so she will understand my
point of view?
--Unwilling
Beau
Dear Unwilling:
Oh boy. This
is tough one. Although you've done nothing wrong nor have any reason to feel
guilty about this, I suspect Denise is going to upset no matter how you break
this to her. Obviously, she likes you and thinks of you more seriously than
you think of her. She's going to be hurt when she learns those feelings aren't
reciprocated; maybe even embarrassed at having assumed more than she should.
Women tend
to date with the goal of long term relationship in mind. Once she knows you're
not interested in pursuing such a relationship with her, she may well lose all
interest in you. (That's just a guess, mind you. She might be more enlightened
than I give her credit for.)
I urge you
to be honest with her as soon as possible. Tell her (assuming it's true) that
you like her, you enjoy her company, but that you feel she's moving much faster
than you are in terms of commitment. (That's just the nature of man vs. woman.)
If you think it's possible you someday might
want to get serious with her, it's OK to indicate that your feelings might change
in the future. However, if you know for sure you're never going to want a serious
relationship with her, leading her on under false pretenses is selfish and cruel.
Assuming she continues to date you under the new "conditions," it will
be your responsibility to set boundaries. If she likes you, and believes there
is hope for a serious relationship, she will continue to test the edges of the
envelope as long as you're dating. If you play the role of boyfriend (for instance,
if you join her family for the holidays, act as her date to her best friend's
wedding, double date with her couple friends, regularly see her on weekend nights)
you become her defacto boyfriend. If this makes you uncomfortable, refuse
such invitations. Don't do what you don't want to do. On the other hand, if
you find yourself wanting to do these things
with her, perhaps you're more ready for a commitment than you think.
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