Sick
of Losers
Dear Adrienne:
I am so sick of dating losers! The guys I meet all seem to be immature cowards, terrified of commitment and incapable of honesty and intimacy. I feel myself growing more bitter by the day. My friends say my expectations are too high and that I should cut some of these guys a little slack, but aren't I entitled to want what I want? I'm a very attractive, intelligent woman with a good career. Why is this so difficult? Aren't there any decent, honest men out there?
--Shelli, L.I., NY
Dear Shelli:
As always, it's difficult to know the real issue here without actually speaking with you, in person, but I can make a few educated guesses as to why you're so frustrated.
First, there is a difference between high standards and high expectations. You have every right to want a certain level of maturity, honesty and intimacy in your relationships. It is unfair, pointless and self-destructive, however, to get angry when men don't meet those standards. The fact is, most people are emotionally dysfunctional in one way or another, and perfection is nearly impossible to find. When you get angry and resentful, it colors your entire perspective on romance and its possibilities.
It would be better to maintain your goals - keep your eyes on the prize, as it were - but accept the fact that you are looking for a very special person, and that you are going to have to "interview" a lot of candidates before you find your one and only. Men are not obligated to be what you need just because you believe you're a good catch.
Anger and bitterness will cause you to become harsh and judgmental. You may think others don't see this, but trust me, they do. People perceive things about others in the most subtle ways. Being perpetually annoyed with men; always expecting them to screw up; subtly baiting them to see if they will pass your test - this is not a state of mind which attracts love. It is entirely possible that some men, who might actually be decent guys, are acting out in response to your negative energy. If they view you as demanding and high-maintenance, you become easy to dismiss. They may avoid intimacy with you because they fear your judgment. They may lie to get out of the relationship, because they just want to escape without experiencing your wrath (or the wrath they perceive you might show them.)
People will often rise to your expectations as long as they feel their failures will not be met with rebuke and condemnation. In other words, instead of getting angry at the first sign of disappointment from a man, consider a more even handed approach. Appreciate his emotional fragility (Yes! Men are emotionally fragile, too!) and don't be so quick to judge. You can't beat people into your idea of perfection. With true consideration, patience, respect for the feelings of others, and a genuine desire to make a healthy emotional connection, you can inspire people to be better.
If, in the end, the man you are dating turns out to be less than what you need, with no hope of change, wish him the best of luck and be on your merry way - without anger, without recriminations, without resentment.
More Relationship Advice:
Good Judgment; Use It or Lose It <> You'd Better Believe It! <> Sick of Losers
So What DO Women Want? <> The Tangle Web of Unwanted Commitment
In Love With His Best Friend <> Debt Before Dishonor
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do <> Job, As In "Career" or "Snow?" <> Women As Fungible Goods
Women a Fungible Goods, Revisited <> Sex, Lies and Personal Ads <> It's a Fine E-Romance
Who Asks, Who Pays? <> Phone Sex Fantasy <> What You Do Is Who You Are
Ask a Babe Columns <> Jewish Cafe Advice Column
