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Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Dear Adrienne

I have been in a very serious relationship for 2 years now. "Jason" and I are lovers, companions, friends, and we get along very well, however he never promised me marriage, and this was becoming a major issue for me. A few months ago, I asked for a month's break and he agreed. We got back together for a while, then broke up again, and it's been off again, on again for months. When he started to act distant, I sat him down to discuss the problem. He said, as he's said many times before, "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you." Neither of us wanted to break up because we do love each other, but for the first time, he seemed willing to end things. His reasoning was "Maybe it will take a serious break-up to make me feel 'in love' and to know what I want." That was ten days ago and I haven't see him or heard from him since. I feel as if I've wasted the last two years of my twenties (I'm 30) on a man who didn't appreciate me; yet this is so painful. I know I should consider the relationship over, but deep down I keep hoping he'll come to his senses and come back. I don't know what to do, what to think. I've lost my best friend as well as my boyfriend. I keep thinking there's a reason he hasn't told me. The thought of starting the meeting and dating cycle from zero is depressing the hell out of me. Help!!!

MR

Dear MR

Boy, do I feel for you, as I'm sure do many of my readers! If it's any consolation (which it probably isn't) most of us have been there at some point of another.

Look, it's only been a little over a week. The pain is fresh and it hurts like hell. I wish there were a magic elixir that could make it all go away. Unfortunately, this is just one of those times you're going to have to go through the natural cycle of mourning before you stop hurting. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad. It's normal and natural. On the other hand, don't give in to your depression. Don't sit around, using Kleenex by the box, sadly caressing the socks he left under the bed, feeling sorry for yourself. Force yourself to socialize with friends -- go to a movie, go out to dinner - and don't talk about him! (Or at least try not to monopolize the conversation!)

Often in these situations, we feel angry -- not so much because we have a good reason, but because we feel more in control when we're angry than when we're in pain. But there's no point in being mad at him. He never misled you. There's no reason to be angry at yourself, either, for "wasting" your time on him. You enjoyed your two years together. It was good while it lasted. Hopefully, you learned things about love, about life, about yourself. Think of this relationship as a great vacation to be remembered with fondness, not with resentment because you eventually had to come home.

The truth is, Jason did you a favor. He told you often that he didn't reciprocate your feelings. Don't you want to be with someone who is totally, completely in love with you? You and Jason might have enjoyed your time together, but he was never going to give you what you ultimately wanted: a serious, emotional commitment. Before jumping back into the dating scene, I hope you will do some serious thinking about why you were willing to remain in relationship for such a long time with a man you knew was not in love with you. It reflects on your own self-esteem and how worthy (or unworthy) you feel of love. Too often, we are willing to accept scraps because we're afraid that if we ask for more, we'll never get it. Only when you believe you are truly deserving of love, will it appear in your life, as if by magic.

Get to that place in your innermost heart, and it won't be long before you meet someone who adores and worships you and whom you adore and worship in return, and Jason will seem like a pleasant but distant memory.

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