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Debt Before Dishonor

Dear Adrienne:

I presently have a couple thousand dollar credit card debt I'm trying to pay off. My thinking, lately, has been, "When I pay this money off I'll be mature and responsible, and will be able to start dating." A few months ago I didn't have any debt, and last year I actually had some money in the bank. At that time, I thought, "This is just small change; not enough to cover my expenses and rent for a few months, should I lose my job in this recession; or to comfortably treat a date to a weekly night out of theater and/or dinner. Never mind be able to affording a vacation."

For four years, until last year, I dated a woman who was $50,000 in debt. She only revealed this after a year into the relationships. We did love each other and I tried to be morally supportive even though I had some misgivings about dating a person who could allow this to happen to herself. I felt guilty feeling this way, but I realize sometimes we have feelings we can't control, and it's how we respond to them that's important.

I guess my question is, should I act in a mature and responsible way, and get out of debt before I re-enter the dating scene, or do you think I should forget about this and just start dating again?

--PA

Dear PA:

It's commendable that you are willing to be financially responsible, but I think you should ask yourself if you're not using your current financial situation as an excuse not to date, get emotionally involved, or to risk being rejected. It's also possible, given your distaste for those who allow themselves to fall into debt, you are being unduly harsh on yourself for having succumbed to the same fate, and thus, your own self-esteem is suffering

Times are hard. I don't know anyone who isn't feeling the pinch. I would hope that most people would be sympathetic to your plight, as many of us are only one or two paychecks away from the same situation. Any woman who would expect a man go into debt (or deeper debt) on her behalf, is not a woman worth dating. Ideally, the right partner will recognize the value you place on financial stability and respect your desire to not be in hock up to your eyeballs to those blood-sucking credit card companies.

There's a big difference between being broke and being cheap, and again, the right woman will understand that. Dating is, after all, about relating, not about spending money. Being generous with your time, your efforts, your affection and your emotions is far more important than bank-busting gifts and budget-crushing nights out.

When I met my husband, he was also about $50,000 in debt, in part because of over-generosity in previous relationships. Together, we've worked hard to get his finances under control, and he's now just a few years short of being debt-free. Early on, I insisted he stop buying me expensive presents because, frankly, I can't enjoy something knowing he's going to be paying it off for the rest of his adult life! This has not stopped us from having a strong, intimate and even fun and exciting relationship, however, we do it in a fiscally responsible way. We don't dine out at expensive restaurants; we don't often go to the theater; we are very happy cooking together; renting movies and hanging out with friends.

First, I'd suggest calling one of those debt consolidating agencies, who'll call the credit card companies and help bring down the interest rates on your current cards and put you on a monthly payment schedule. After that, create a budget for yourself, with a modest allowance for entertainment. You may have to tighten your belt in other areas of your life in order to do this, but if it's important to you, you will find a way, even it means eating packaged macaroni and cheese once in a while.

There's never an excuse for postponing happiness!

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