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Sex, Lies and Personal Ads
originally appeared at www.jewishcafe.com

Dear Adrienne:

I have being doing the personals for a few months and I'm feeling very frustrated. I have been lied to and mislead so often, I'm ready to give up. And yet, I know many people who've actually gotten married to people they've met this way. Do they know something I don't?

PB, New York

Dear PB:

In one of my recent singles' seminars, a bitter young woman expressed anger that a man she'd recently met via an ad claimed to be a doctor when he was not. She was particularly annoyed because she didn't like "to waste her time on men who were not professionals." She saw no relationship between her very judgmental and narrow definition of a "datable man" and the lie that man told so he could meet her.

I don't condone lying to get dates, but since we can't control the behavior of others, we must focus on our own attitudes and behavior. How you respond to those lies and half-truths will impact greatly on your dating success and your satisfaction with the personal ad process.

For example, are your expectations so high that when they are not met, it feels like betrayal? Are you so focused on what you want that you can't read between the lines? Are you so caught up in your fantasies that when someone tells you what you want to hear, you abandon your critical faculties? Would you rather live in denial than accept truth without judgment? Maybe what you consider a lie is merely a disagreement with someone's perception of him/herself.

Taking lies (or rejection) too personally can burn you out in just a few weeks. To succeed, you must learn to roll with the punches. For example, recognize that it's normal for people to want to portray themselves as more accomplished or better looking than they actually are, and factor that in to your decisions. Realize that even those who present themselves as something they clearly are not (i.e. single when they are married, a doctor when they are a factory worker, a supermodel when they look like Quasimodo ) are not lying to you specifically. You didn't exist to them when they wrote their ad, and are still a stranger up to and including the first date. It's not about you; it's about their own insecurities. Just let it go and move on to the next person.

As a singles coach, I often encounter those who complain bitterly about the opposite sex. My response is always the same: To succeed at love, we must be willing to take 100% responsibility for our relationships. We can't stop people from lying to us, but we can develop our intuition so we don't get the wool pulled over our eyes.

Regardless of how or where you meet others, dating requires certain emotional skills. For example: resilience, vulnerability coupled with strength, an open heart, a nonjudgmental attitude, the ability to make others feel good about themselves, perspective from outside oneself and, most useful in this situation, keen perception. The more skillful you are, the more successful you will be.

Instead of giving up on the personal ads, use them as learning experiences. Every interaction offers an opportunity to hone your intuition. Listen to what people say with an open heart and open mind. Eventually, you'll be able to spot B.S. at 100 yards.

As for the value of the personals, I, myself, am a 20+ year veteran and a huge advocate. (I met my husband through an old fashioned newspaper ad, before internet sites were popular.) The ads offer you the chance to interact with people whom you would not have met otherwise. It's an opportunity to significantly expand your dating pool. (Wouldn't you rather have "one in a million" than "one in a dozen?") That said, the people you meet on-line are no better or worse, nor more or less honest, than people you'll meet anywhere. It's up to you to figure out who's worthy of your trust, your time and your affection.

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