Who
Asks, Who Pays?
originally appeared at www.jewishcafe.com
Dear Adrienne:
I recently started dating again after ending a long relationship. I've been doing the personal ads for a few months now, but I'm a little unsure of some rules of etiquette. For example, who asks who out? Who pays? Who calls first, after the date? If a woman asks me out, should she pay? Or does the man pay, no matter what? I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy and always paid when I took a lady out; however if I'm meeting several women in a week, it can get kind of expensive. On the other hand, I don't want to offend anyone.
--R.G., L.A., CA
Dear R.G.
Rules for personal ad dating are not the Ten Commandments. They are fluid and flexible, and change according to the situation.
If you are having more than a couple of dates a week, and your chivalry compels you to pick up the tab, why not limit those first dates to coffee? For ten bucks, you can be a sport. If you ask her out for a second date, you can take her out for brunch, lunch or a nice dinner - depending upon how much you like her, what your budget is, and how much you want to impress her.
Personally, I don't think a man should feel obligated to take out a stranger for dinner, particularly if he's dating a lot. As you said, it can be a real budget-buster. There are plenty of women who view blind dates as little more than a free meals. I've heard tales of women telling blatant lies about themselves, just to get a guy to take them out to dinner.
One man I know met a woman for dinner who had described herself as "Jewish, 5'7, 120 lbs and an investment banker." Turned out, she was black and not Jewish ("I prefer dating Jewish men"), about 250 lbs. ("120 is my goal weight"), 5'2 ("I always wanted to be taller") and a teller at an investment bank. Needless to say, he was annoyed at having been deceived, and cut the date short. She was angry that he wouldn't even buy her a drink!
On the other hand, plenty of women prefer to split the check so they don't feel obligated or beholden in any way to their date, especially if they have no interest in seeing him again. And - take heed, ladies! -- men certainly appreciate not being viewed as a meal ticket, which is most men's number one complaint about women.
As for who asks out whom, I don't think it matters much that first time. Either one of you can suggest a convenient meeting. After that, you can follow (or break) the traditional rules of dating. Some women are comfortable calling men and/or asking them out, others are not. Some men are comfortable being called/asked out by a woman, others are not. Whatever works for the two of you, is fine. And discovering what works is part of the fun and the challenge. I do believe, however, that whoever does the asking, should also do the paying.
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