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Will and Grace Situation

Dear Adrienne

I am in one of those "Will and Grace" situations, me being "Grace." I've been friends with "Will" for about 20 years, since high school, and we are best friends. I have never met another man who knows me or loves me as much, and I think Will feels the same. That said, I do date plenty of straight guys, and sometimes the relationships last a while (several months, once over a year) but ultimately, I don't feel that same closeness I feel when I'm with Will. After every date, I just want to call him and dish about it!

I'm not getting any younger and I do want to get married, settle down, have kids...but I wonder if I'll ever find that guy. Meanwhile, "Will" and I have talked about getting married and having a loving but platonic relationship. We figure, even in the best of marriages, eventually the sex fades and you're left with friendship anyway, so why not just start there?

And still, even though we've been talking about it a lot, I still can't quite make that leap and give up hope of finding that one special guy. Any advice?

-RT, Phoenix, AZ

Dear RT

I get what you're saying about building a marriage on friendship, and perhaps if you were in your 60's, I'd say "go for it" (although if you were in your 60's, the idea of kids would be out of the question, and the need for marriage wouldn't feel so urgent.)

If you know "Will" from HS, and that was 20 years ago, you can't be more than 38 -- too young, in my opinion, to give up your quest for "true love."

I can certainly understand the appeal of having a man in your life who gets you, but really, this relationship is not that different from having a best girlfriend. Would you marry your best (straight) woman friend, just to be married (assuming you lived in a state that allowed it?) Probably not. Why is this any different?

First of all, marriage by and of itself, is not the be-all and end-all in relationships. Just to be married for the mere sake of it, is a big mistake. With marriage comes financial obligations, legal responsiblities, etc.

Second, I suspect that you are using "Will" as a crutch to avoid real intimacy with available straight men. You may be subconsciously choosing men who are emotionally unavailable in order to justify rejecting them in favor of "Will" who is emotionally unavailable in his own way. You are purposely putting yourself in this dating netherworld because you are afraid of commitment and/or rejection. What if you marry him and have a kid, and a few years later either you or he finds true love elsewhere? Or one of you decides this platonic relationship isn't enough? What happens to your child?

I urge you to delve deeper into your true motivations before getting married to a man who is never going to be able to give himself to you totally. You deserve better than that, and if you don't think so, you really do need to take stock of yourself!

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