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What You Do Is Who You Are

Dear Adrienne:

I have a beef with most of the women I meet through personal ads or at singles events. Almost without fail, one of the first questions they ask is "What do you do for a living?" I actually have a successful career and make good money, so I have nothing to be insecure about, but I really resent being sized up in terms of my earning potential, especially before these women find out who I am and what I'm about. My rule of late is, if they ask me about my job in the first five questions, I cut the conversation short and that's the end of her. What is it with these women?

--G. H, NY, NY

Dear G.H.

I won't argue that plenty of women judge a man's datablility by his income, but I do think you're being a bit too harsh. Most of us spend at least a third of our lives at work or pursuing our careers, and for many of us, it defines who we are. Therefore, it's a legitimate question. Your choice of vocation speaks volumes about who you are, how you see yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, goals, dreams and ambitions. Wouldn't you agree that a professional race car driver is probably a different kind of person than a 9-5 insurance salesman? That a college professor and a policeman are different kinds of men?

When I was single, I much preferred dating a penniless but creative entrepreneur than a wealthy, established accountant. In fact, I ended up marrying a "starving artist," who was (and is) much more exciting and interesting to me than a rich, corporate CEO. I obviously didn't judge my husband on his income (or even earning potential) but his profession was certainly of value in deciding whether or not we'd be compatible or had similar temperaments. Good thing he didn't reject me the instant I asked, which as I recall, was fairly early on in the conversation.

I agree that many women lose out on potentially great guys who don't have high-powered careers, but then, plenty of men lose out on wonderful women because they judge mainly on appearance and/or age. I always urge my clients and workshop attendees to judge people on character. The size of one's heart is more important than the size of one's wallet or bosom. I figure those shallow enough to judge superficially are, in the end, the real losers, even if they get what they think they want.

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