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Women as Fungible Goods, Revisited
originally appeared at www.jewishcafe.com

You answered my question recently here on JewishCafe, "Women as Fungible Goods." I appreciate you choosing my letter to highlight, but I think you missed the point. I am not "dating with a goal." Believe me, marriage is the farthest thing on my mind right now. I'm not even looking for an exclusive relationship. What I was talking about is just plain rudeness by the men I have met lately. I am not looking to get married and I am not imagining the things they tell me. But I am also not imagining the way they disappear and don't seem to give it a second thought.

For example, a man and I had been emailing and talking with - online and on the phone - for several weeks. We met for lunch last week and we both agreed we had a great time. He asked me out for dinner. At the last minute, he sent me an email that he had to cancel and that he would call me the next day to reschedule. No call, no further email. Has he moved on to someone else? Possibly, but I'll never know. But I consider this rude. If you don't want to see me again, then don't make a date with me and then break it. Just be honest about it.

Another guy and I dated for a few weeks. I went on vacation - everything seemed fine before I went. When I came back, I never heard from him again.

I think I am pretty great, so I am not internalizing this. (I'm not saying I am perfect, but I don't think I did anything to cause this.)

This is the issue I was writing to you about - not to get reprimanded about looking to get married after the first date.

--EM

Dear EM:

You sound angry and more than a little bitter -- normal, natural reactions to being treated with such little consideration. I experienced the same, exact feelings during my many years of doing the personal ads. But I can also assure you that these feelings, no matter how justified they feel on your part, will not serve you in the end. They will only add to your negative baggage and make it that much more difficult to remain open to love. There are few bigger turnoffs than a chip on the shoulder. It is even possible that you already have an "attitude" which is turning guys off. You may think nobody sees it, while telegraphing it in a variety of subtle (and not so subtle) ways, which others pick up on with their own subconscious radar. (Don't you pick up on such signals when you meet someone else with "issues?")

My intention wasn't to reprimand you about wanting to get married after the first date. Let's forget about marriage for the time being. Let's just assume you're out there, seeking some kind of relationship which lasts more than a few dates. You probably have a pretty good idea what you're looking for in a man. I'm sure you've met plenty of "nice enough" guys who just didn't fit your criteria. Have you never refused a second date with a man who called you, even though you hadn't overtly discouraged him at the end of the first date? Have you never subtly encouraged a man in whom you had no interest because it feels nice to be wanted? Has a man never left a message on your answering machine which you never returned, due to lack of interest? Has a man never done something on a first or second date, which upon further reflection, made you realize you were no longer interested in him? Have you never avoided telling a man that you had no interest by pretending to be busy, again and again, until he got the message? Now, take a moment to consider such behavior from his perspective.

Now let's look at your complaint from his point of view. Let's imagine that you've had a date or two with a guy. You're still trying each other on for size. Let's assume he's enjoyed your company and when he says he'll call, he intends to do so. But a day or two goes by, and you're just not resonating in his psyche. Upon further reflection, he realizes he's not interested enough to warrant asking you out for another date. He may think you're nice and intelligent, etc. etc., but for whatever reasons -whether you would consider them legitimate or not --- he decides he does not want to pursue a relationship with you. Maybe the reason is totally superficial or perhaps you're putting out some kind of negative energy which you, yourself, don't recognize. (God knows, I did it myself for years!) So, he postpones calling you because what's he going to say? That he's changed his mind and doesn't want to see you again? Is he also obligated to tell you his reasons? There's probably nothing specific he can even put his finger on. You barely know each other. At this point, he certainly doesn't need to justify his choices to you. Not calling back is the customary and kind way to indicate lack of interest (assuming it has indeed only been a couple of dates.) If you're really curious as to why a man hasn't called you back, you can always call him and ask, but you'll only put him on the spot and probably wouldn't get a truthful answer anyway.

As I've said many times (and will continue to say), you can't change the behavior of others; you can only change your own reaction to their behavior. You can get angry over such incidents, or you can take a moment analyze the situation and your own feelings in all of this. Bottom line - you've been rejected and it stings. You think you're a nice person, worthy of consideration, worthy of love -- and this guy whom you actually liked; to whom, in some small way you've made yourself vulnerable; doesn't even want to give you another chance. Hey, that hurts. And cumulatively, it can really impact the old self-esteem. Getting angry, blaming him for his rudeness, making him the jerk, is a defense against that hurt. But take care, because such defense can very quickly turn into a big, thick wall which most people don't have the time, patience or inclination to knock down.

For the most positive dating experience, you've got to learn to take 'em as they come, put yourself in another's shoes, enjoy your relationships for as long as they may last (even if it's only one date), accept that not everyone has the same agenda or values as you, realize that relative strangers don't owe you very much, understand that it's pointless to take rejection by someone you hardly know as personal, and glean whatever self-knowledge you can from the patterns in your social life.

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