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Job as in "Career" or in "Snow?"

I hope you can help me with this because I am at my wit's end. "Kathy" and I have known each other for six months, and have been dating for four. She said from the beginning she wanted to take things slow and I respected that. Then, a few months ago, we had sex, both knowing that this was a big step. I was totally ready for it and I thought she was too. It was great for a few weeks; then she started to pull back. We talked about it and she said that although she loved being with me, she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. While I'm attracted to her independence and the fact that she's very career-oriented, these very qualities are what are holding her back. She's afraid commitment will compromise her career. (She works in human resources for a large corporation.) I have tried all sorts of things to show her what she means to me, but nothing makes any difference. It's so hard to find someone with whom you have great chemistry, so I don't want to give up. What can I do to convince her that she can have both?

RM

Dear RM:

Frankly, this "career" business sounds like a load of hooey to me. If she were a high-powered attorney who worked 80-hour weeks, an international pop star, or a even a lap-dancer, I could understand how a relationship might interfere with her climb to the top. But she works a corporate job that, frankly, would probably benefit from having the right loving, supportive partner cheering her on in the wings. I'm betting it's an excuse.

Maybe she's afraid of commitment. If so, there's probably not much you can do. The more you strive to convince her of your devotion, the more frightened she will become. Fear of intimacy is not something you can cure just by saying the right words. Any change has to come from her. If she seems unlikely or unwilling to make those changes, or even unwilling to admit her fears, my advice is to cut your losses and break it off.

Or perhaps fear of intimacy is not her issue. Maybe she just doesn't see you two as a long term couple. I'm sure she's telling the truth when she says she enjoys your company, but where you see green lights, she sees red. You've pushed too hard, too soon, and forced her to make her decision now rather than later. (That's not to say she wouldn't have done the same thing eventually.) The "career tack" is her way of ending things in an impersonal way. Were she to tell you that she's not interested in you, specifically, you'd inevitably want to know why, and then she'd have to tell you… It'd be a painful scene which she's probably trying to avoid.

I don't see much you can do except let it go. I know it will be painful because you care for her, but just keep repeating this little mantra: "Relationships are about relating. Duh." If she's going to hold back emotionally; if she's not willing to explore the limits of possibility with you more deeply, who cares about chemistry? Focus on the way you actually relate to another person; the level of intimacy, truth and trust; how they make you feel about yourself. Walking on eggshells; worrying that you have no footing in her life; feeling insecure and unhappy -- these are not indications of a healthy relationship. When a healthy relationship becomes your focus, it becomes easy to end those which are not.

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