| Do
the Right Thing
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear
Babe:
Last week, I just ended a nine-month relationship with a woman I love
more than anything. Why? Because she wasn't sure that she loved me.
She's told me she knows I'm the perfect man for her and she could
easily spend the rest of her life with me, but she thinks she's still
in love with her ex-boyfriend. When I broke up with her, I told her
she should get back with her ex and see if she truly does love him,
or if, in fact, she wants to be with me.
I'm 30 and she is 35, with a beautiful 6-year old daughter. She says
even her daughter likes me better than her ex. I'm happy her daughter
likes me, but I'm not looking to be a baby-sitter. I want to be her
husband, and I told her so. Did I make the right decision here? If
so, how come it hurts like hell? Should I have just hung around and
hoped her feelings for me changed? Could I have handled this a better
way?
--Broken Up
Dear Broken:
Doing the right thing doesn't mean it won't be painful. I think you
handled the situation perfectly. It took courage and wisdom to do
what you did, and hopefully, in the end, your girlfriend will realize
you're the better man. Actually, it sounds like she realizes this
already, but has some strange bad-boy fascination for her ex. Unfortunately,
there's nothing you can do about that. Most women eventually get over
these kinds of attractions and settle down with nice guys of character.
Some women however, chase bad boys all their lives. Or perhaps this
is merely a case of her wanting what she can't have. Or maybe she
believes you are the better man, but she is not "in love" with you,
and feels she never will be, and is not willing to commit to somebody
without those feelings. There's no accounting for chemistry.
In the end, no matter how painful this is, you are better off without
a woman who cannot love you with all her heart. To marry such a person
dooms you to a life of constantly jumping through hoops, trying to
win her affection. She will always have the upper hand, until you
no longer care. This imbalance of emotional power is not a basis for
a healthy marriage, and in fact is a recipe for perpetual heartache.
You did the right thing. Believe me. When you're deliriously in love
with a woman who feels the same about you, you'll see how smart this
move was.
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