| The
Tangled Web of Unwanted Commitment
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
|
|
 |
Dear
Babe:
How do you get out of commitment, yet still date a girl? I've been
dating "Denise" for the past few months. I enjoy her company very
much and would like to continue to do so, but I seem to have fallen
into the role of "boyfriend." I really don't want that level of commitment.
I'd like to date other women and have my freedom; however, I would
still like to continue to see Denise. What can I say to her? What
kind of reasoning can I use so she will understand my point of view?
-- Unwilling Beau
Dear Unwilling:
Oh boy. This is tough one. Although you've done nothing wrong and
have no reason to feel guilty about this, I suspect Denise will be
upset no matter how you break the news to her. Obviously, she likes
you and thinks of you more seriously than you think of her. She's
going to be hurt when she learns those feelings aren't reciprocated,
and maybe even embarrassed at having assumed more than she should.
Women tend to date with the goal of a long-term relationship in mind.
Once she knows you're not interested in pursuing such a relationship
with her, she may well lose all interest in you. (That's just a guess,
mind you. She might be more enlightened than I give her credit for.)
I urge you to be honest with her as soon as possible. Tell her (assuming
it's true) that you like her, you enjoy her company, but that you
feel she's moving much faster than you are in terms of commitment.
(That's just the nature of man vs. woman.) If you think it's possible
you might someday want to get serious with her, it's OK to indicate
that your feelings might change in the future. (If you know for sure,
however, that you're never going to want a serious relationship with
her, leading her on under false pretenses is selfish and cruel.)
Assuming she continues to date you under the new "conditions," it
will be your responsibility to set boundaries. If she likes you, and
believes there is hope for a serious relationship, she will continue
to test the edges of the envelope as long as you're dating. If you
play the role of boyfriend (for instance, if you join her family for
the holidays, act as her date to her best friend's wedding, double
date with her friends, regularly see her on weekend nights) you become
her de facto boyfriend. If this makes you uncomfortable, refuse
such invitations. Don't do what you don't want to do. On the other
hand, if you find yourself wanting to do these things with her, perhaps
you're more ready for a commitment than you think.
|
