| Flatulence
Will Get You Nowhere
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear
Babe:
I was recently in a really embarrassing situation. I was on a date
with a woman I likea lot. I drove her home, and we sat in the car
by her house chatting for a while. Suddenly, those enchiladas I had
for dinner hit bottom and I was overcome by the need to pass gas.
I tried my damnedest to hold back, but alas, though it was silent,
it was extraordinarily, horrifically deadly. Mortified, I quickly
opened the window. I didn't say anything and neither did she, but
there was no way she could have possibly missed the stench. She knew
she hadn't cut one, so it was obviously me. She quickly bid me goodnight
and got out of the car. I haven't called her since (too embarrassed),
but I really like her. Until the toxic fumes incident, we were getting
along great. Do you think I can salvage this budding relationship?
And, for future reference, how should I have handled the situation?
--Farty Pooper
Dear Farty:
Tsk tsk. Haven't you learned? Flatulence will get you nowhere!
Let's be realistic. We all cut the cheese now and then. True, some
of us could knock a buzzard off a dung heap with the smell of our
noxious emissions, but really, whose farts smell like spring flowers?
The best thing to do when you accidentally let one go, and those around
you start gasping for fresh air, is to simply apologize, and, if the
situation is casual enough, make light of it. "God, I must apologize.
It's unpleasant, I know, but relatively harmless. As far as I know,
I've only killed a couple of people like that." Or, "I'm truly sorry.
I was saving that for Saddam Hussein." (I wouldn't try that in a job
interview or during a private audience with the Queen.)
As far as winning your lady friend back, just call her up and ask
her out. If you can, make a joke about it. That'll ease the tension
and get the awkwardness out of the way. If she liked you as much as
you liked her, she'll probably accept another date. I'm sure she's
wilted the flowers herself on occasion. Or, send her a dozen roses
and a gas mask with a note inviting her out to dinner-anything but
Mexican!
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