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Ships in the Night
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear
Babe:
OK, I'm walking down the sidewalk in downtown San Francisco. There
are gorgeous women everywhere! Why can I not make "eye contact?" Either
they look away when they realize I've had an eye on them or they never
even make eye contact at all. I'm a darned good-looking guy. I dress
sharp, like a slick urbanite. What's my problem, babe?
--Invisible Man
Dear IM:
Over the years, I have met men in the supermarket, at a bus stop,
in a movie line. I have never connected with a guy just walking
by on the sidewalk. Maybe there doesn't seem to be much difference
between these "pick up" methods. After all, a stranger is a stranger.
But there is a huge difference in interpersonal dynamics.
When two people are involved in the same activity, conversation flows
naturally. If an attractive man on a bus started a casual conversation,
I would probably respond to him. There's no real risk on my part --
either to my safety or reputation. If he turns out to be a jerk, no
big deal. I just go back to my newspaper. If, however, he seems interesting
and intelligent, I might agree to continue our conversation at a later
time. Throughout the entire scene, I am in control.
But what if that same man gave me the once-over while passing me on
the street? Generally, I find it impolite, invasive and a big turn
off to be stared at by a man I don't know. But even if I found him
attractive, so what? All I have to go on is his appearance, which
doesn't provide nearly enough information. By stopping to talk to
him, I make a small commitment, take a tiny risk and give the impression
I'm "easy." My behavior says that picking up a strange man is more
important than whatever I was on my way to doing. What if he turns
out to be unpleasant or aggressive? It may be difficult to extricate
myself from the encounter. As you can see, I don't have nearly as
much control over this scenario.
Bottom line? Forget about picking up women on the street. Assuming
you are, indeed, an attractive, well-dressed young man, you'll have
more luck putting yourself in situations where you can use your conversational
skills..
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