| On
My Way Out
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear
Babe:
I have been seeing "Tanya" for over a year and have felt, for a long
time, that she's The One. I'd been seriously thinking about popping
the question, that is, until three weeks ago. I've discovered Tanya
has been having occasional lunches with her ex-boyfriend. She and
"Todd" were engaged at one time, and though they had an amicable ending,
did not keep in touch. She never kept her relationship with Todd a
secret from me and always gave me every reason to believe it was emotionally
over for her. She doesn't know that I know about these lunches. I'm
hurt that she didn't tell me about them. If there is truly nothing
going on, why keep it a secret? Still, how can I confront her when
I'm not supposed to know?
The Next Ex?
Dear Next:
Easy there, fella. Don't go jumping to conclusions. Just because she's
having lunch with her ex, doesn't mean she's ready to leap back into
his arms, bed, what-have-you. While I agree, her lack of forthrightness
about the matter is disturbing, there might be several reasons for
it. To wit:
Maybe Todd called her, wanting to talk about old times. Perhaps she
wanted to go, not because she thought they might rekindle their flame,
but just to revisit another time in her life -- much the way you might
have a few laughs with your old high school buddies. She might have
opted not to tell you for fear you wouldn't understand, or that would
take it the wrong way. No point in unnecessarily hurting your feelings.
It's also possible she called Todd. She might sense that your relationship
is reaching critical mass. She may want to reassure herself that you
are, indeed, the right one, by seeing up close and once again, all
the reasons Todd was wrong.
Of course, she might indeed be thinking that she wants to get back
together with Todd. If so, there's not much you can do about it except
be a man, and wish her happiness.
Meanwhile, give it a little time. Take note of the intimacy level
in your relationship. Does she seem to be pulling away or committing
herself more deeply? If the former, ask her about it, without mentioning
Todd. "I feel you're distancing yourself from me. Are you having doubts
about us?" Anything to get her talking. If the latter, go ahead and
bring up the subject of marriage. Either way, you'll have your answer
soon enough.
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