| Trapped
by Circumstance
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear
Babe:
I have been dating a woman for about eight months. Though she's a
nice person and I like her, it has become increasingly apparent to
me that she's not the one I want to spend my life with. I was planning
to break up with her when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Hopefully,
she will be all right but she still has to undergo surgery and follow-up
treatment, which will take many months. My dilemma is pretty obvious.
Do I end the relationship as I had planned or do I hang in there,
feeling trapped by circumstance? To be honest, I'm afraid if I postpone
the break up, I'll get trapped in a relationship with a very sick
woman I don't love. On the other hand, I don't want to be a shit,
abandoning her when she needs me most.
--Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Should I:
Assuming you like this woman as a friend, assuming she's been good
to you, supportive, kind and caring, it would be cruel just to dump
her without any consideration of her current circumstances. On the
other hand, if you honestly cannot be there for her, emotionally,
when she needs you most, you will not be doing her any favors. The
last thing she needs to deal with is your resentment and anger, which
will ultimately rear their ugly heads no matter how you try to conceal
them.
Here are a few options/issues you might consider before making your
decision:
You could postpone your break up for a few months, lending your emotional
support through the most difficult first months, then ease yourself
out. Of course, there is the very real possibility that if she becomes
more ill, it will be harder (guilt-wise) for you to leave.
You could be honest with her. Tell her you'd decided weeks ago this
relationship wasn't working for you. Assure her, however, you genuinely
care about her (assuming you do) and will be there for her, as any
friend would. It will probably be easier for you to be supportive
and compassionate if you don't feel trapped in a relationship you
don't want to be in.
If she feels you're only offering friendship because you feel guilty
for breaking up with her, she may rebuff your efforts. But if you
honestly like her, if your offer is sincere, I hope you will persevere.
Remember, you don't have to be her primary caretaker. Just be a friend.
Call her now and then to find out how she's doing. Ask if she needs
anything. Volunteer your services if she needs the occasional ride
to or from treatment. Once in a while, bring some comedy videos to
her place, order in some take out, and spend a pleasant evening. In
other words, be a stand-up guy and you'll have nothing to feel guilty
about.
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