| Let
That Pony Run
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear Babe:
My wife is has been talking lately about going off on her own. She's
not the most communicative person, though she says she wants to be
alone and have more freedom. We've been married six years. I admit
she can be very independent and do without people sometimes. She says
I'm a great husband and says she loves me very much. I do cut her
all the slack in the world. She's a bit flirty but has never been
unfaithful, but admitted she'd like a romantic fling on the side sometime.
I love her very much and don't want to see her go. Any suggestions?
--Trying to Hold On
Dear Trying:
Whatever emotional issues your wife is having are, unfortunately,
out of your control. This must be incredibly frustrating for you,
because you undoubtedly want to make her happy and satisfy all her
emotional needs. But each of us is responsible for our own happiness.
No matter how hard a loved one tries to solve our problems, ultimately
we have to work through them ourselves. This goes for both of you.
You say you give her plenty of space, and that's good. Keeping love
is like trying to hold a handful of sand. An open hand holds more
than a clenched fist.
Discuss with her the reasons she wants to spend more time alone. If
you really love her, your primary desire should be for her happiness-even
if the picture doesn't include you. As hard as that may be, it's the
true test of love. And love like that, is hard for anyone to resist.
Hopefully, she only has to work through a few issues, and once she
does, she'll return to you ready to commit 100%. Maybe once out there
she'll find freedom isn't what she expected, and will have a new appreciation
for the love and support you've shown her. Or, it's possible she will
decide that she's happier on her own. As devastating as that might
be, what can you do? Refuse to let her go? That will only drive her
further away.
Meanwhile, make sure she knows (through your words and deeds) that
you love her and support her in her search for happiness. Without
making her feel guilty, be sure she understands you would be really
hurt and sorry to see her leave. And don't forget that your own feelings
have validity, too. If she loves you, she will respect them…which
is not to say she will be able to avoid hurting you, but she will
at least take your feelings into consideration. If she doesn't, perhaps
it's time to reevaluate why you love her.
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