| Starvin'
Marvin
Written
and moderated by Adrienne Gusoff
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Dear Babe:
My wife and I have only had sex about 15 times since we were married
10 years ago. We have two small children, so when we got busy we got
it done. It's been about 3 ½ years since we last had sex. She always
has a million excuses: I'm too tired; I have my period; it's too late;
the kids will hear us; you didn't take a shower; you just took a shower;
I just took a shower. It goes on and on. I love her a lot, and she
tells me it's not me, she just doesn't like to do it anymore. I have
tried everything! She's just not interested. What should I do?
--Lackanookie
Dear Lacka:
I guess you don't watch much daytime TV. Oprah did a whole series
on the epidemic lack of female sexual desire after marriage.
Because there is not just one reason for lack of desire, there is
not just one "cure." Your "wife's problem" may be physiological (medical,
chemical) or it may be purely psychological. But please note my quote
marks. I used them because, in fact, this doesn't seem to be a problem
for your wife. She doesn't want sex and she's not having it. No problem.
The problem is really yours, though ultimately, as it affects your
relationship, it becomes hers.
Here's something to consider. Men think about sex almost constantly.
Everything sets them off - the jiggling booty of a strange woman in
the elevator, the smell of a woman passing on the street, a scantily
clad babe on a billboard. Men are sensory creatures. Women, in general,
are psychologically and emotionally turned on. Foreplay for us doesn't
begin five minutes before sex. It begins five hours before sex.
If you climb into bed at night and want nookie, and she's been running
after toddlers and cleaning up baby puke all day, it's hardly surprising
she's not in the mood. If you want your wife to feel sexy, start early
in the day. Leave her romantic (non-sexual) love notes. Bring home
flowers once in a while. Call her to tell her you're thinking of her
and you miss her. When you come home from work, take over with the
kids and clean the dinner dishes while you send her off to a nice,
hot, relaxing bath. Get her a spa day. Give her time to back in touch
with herself and to psychologically separate from the children. I'll
bet she'll be much more responsive to you. Maybe not in a day or a
week, but eventually.
If, after a few months, nothing has changed, encourage her to speak
to her gynecologist or a therapist. If she is unwilling, marriage
counseling would probably be helpful. A good sex life is important
not just for the physical gratification it provides, but for the intimacy
and trust it fosters in a marriage.
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